Sony hits SF

The Sony Schmony Metrecrapinon

Remember when technology was just getting started? It seems like it was around 1980 or so . . . . . there weren’t really computers (except for those weird green and orange screened Osborne things that no one remembers -- and incidentally, I went to high school with the Osborne kids, and Mr. Osborne wishes he could forget about them too -- but you were cool if you had an Atari. My brother and I had a competition to get the highest score at Space Invaders, and we indulged ourselves in an ongoing argument over who was more fantastic: Pac-Man or Ms. Pac-Man.

But, alas -- those innocent days when we plugged our Atari into the TV after "Superfriends," are only a memory. There’s a new era of technology: the Wonder Twin powers (Sony and Microsoft) have united in the form of the Sony Metreon Center at the corner of Fourth and Mission.

Initially, I was in awe of the four story multimedia complex, but that awe quickly turned to disgust after the first hour of my day touring the attractions. First, let’s be clear on what this mega mart for "entertainment" is, so as you don’t think that I’m just some hokey Atari die hard who never got over having the lowest Pong! score on my block.

The Sony Metreon Center houses fifteen movie theatres, plus an IMAX theatre, a video game arcade called the Airtight Garage, a store and interactive playspace based on the book Where the Wild Things Are, a store and 3-D movie based on the The Way Things Work series, a Sony music shop called Sony Style, a Sony PlayStation shop, a Microsoft shop, a Discovery Channel shop, and an array of eateries popular with the upwardly mobile population of San Francisco (read: sushi, salads, Starbucks, gourmet pizza, and the California cuisine --lots of money, little food-- restaurant next door to the complex).

Sounds like a mall for yuppies, huh? (It is.)

The media driven description wasn’t enough to deter me at first, and I wanted to see for myself just how awful it could be. Well, the first thing I found out, was how very happy that I was to be there on a press pass -- because after looking at the prices at the front desk I knew that I would never be able spend a day there and pay my electricity bill in the same month. The movies are $8.50, the IMAX movies are $9.50, the stores are free (but Jesus Christ are they expensive), and the attractions (Where the Wild Things Are and The Way Things Work) cost $7.00 each for adults. The games at the Airtight Garage vary in price. You buy an access card with enough points to do and eat what you want, and then you use that card to pay for any and all things within the complex. The catch is that the access cards can only be purchased in increments of $5, conveniently leaving you with extra cash on your card no matter what you do . . . guess you’ll have to keep on putting money on that card and seeing sights till it works out to zero, or you could go spend the leftovers in the arcade (each game runs around 3 bucks) . . . or just forget about it and chalk it up to the rising prices of "entertainment" in San Francisco. It sounds pretty greedy and shifty to me, but for those parents who want to give their kids a $20 access card and send them off to the arcade to babysit themselves, I guess it makes sense.

But is that a good thing? Don’t get me started . . . Too late. You know how the arcade is called The Airtight Garage? Well, "airtight" sure is the right word for it. It’s a cave of a room filled with video game consoles and a virtual bowling alley (the bowling is actually kind of fun), but I could barely play anything because there were so many prepubescent boys and toddler-toting fathers who were hogging all the machines. Maybe it had to do with the stale air and deafening techno music, but I began to experience the closest thing to road rage that you can feel indoors. I got outta there after one long awaited game of Hyper Bowl with a ten year old breathing down my elbow, ready to swoop into my spot should I step too far away from the screen. Grrrr. Well, my friend who designs computer games in Silicon Valley said that the games at the Airtight Garage were crap anyway. Yeah, so I don’t need your stupid dumb games, Sony Metreon. Ha!

Anyway, I skipped the The Way Things Work exhibit because I found that I lacked the patience to wait the estimated 45 minutes to get in, but I heard that there was little effort spent to make it interesting, and much effort spent pushing you into the gift shop. No thanks.

Up to the next level . . . . . I got my Polaroid taken with Max and a couple of Wild Things, and then went to the Where the Wild Things Are attraction. This was what I really wanted to see since it was one of my favorite books as a child, and because my roommate in college once told me that I have Where-the-Wild-Things-Are-feet (I’ve been trying to take that as a compliment all these years, and I was hoping that the exhibit would help me establish a more loving appreciation of monster feet.). Sigh. No dice -- it sucked. If you are between the ages of 3 and 9 and have never read the book, then maybe it would be neat, but I’m assuming that no one in that demographic is reading this, so I can be frank. It just really sucked. It fucked up the story, it looked cheap, it wasn’t fun . . . . . it was empty calories, baby. I can’t believe that Maurice Sendak gave over the rights to the characters. But he’s dead, isn’t he?

Well, there is one shining star at the whole Metreon center, and I’ll tell you that all the plastic money greedy scheming gross commercial crap and screaming kids is worth it for this one thing: The IMAX Movies. The screen is 100 feet wide and 80 feet tall, and there are special movies there and all, but the 3-D movies will blow you away. They loan you these headset goggle things that look like welding masks, and then you just sit there in fucking amazement. It’s fucking amazing. 3-D. You can’t imagine until you experience it. I saw "Into the Deep," which is a Discovery Channel type thing filmed under water . . . . . Jesus fucking Christ, it was so wonderful that I was on the verge of tears and had to clutch my bosom for fear that my heart would beat itself right out of my chest cavity. And the funny thing is, I’m not being sarcastic at all. Seriously. No, really, I’m dead serious; but I also might be a little over emotional when it comes to nature specials . . . .

Aside from that, let’s see . . . . . I heard that all the employees had to go to "Happy Camp" to train; that’s pretty sick -- I mean, they were happy and all, but do you think they are really happy about being so happy for $6/hour? . . . There was a face painting lady there, and I got done like a kitty -- whiskers and everything! That’s was pretty great, and the walk home on Market Street was more exciting than usual, what with all those men yelling "meow" as I walked by . . . . Oh! And I got a press kit thing that had a cheap yo-yo in it with the Sony PlayStation logo on it, and I’ve been having a great time playing with that, too.

Anyway, the point is that I think you should take my advice and listen to me when I say that I recommend that you *don’t* go to the Sony Metreon center (*except to see the IMAX movies in 3-D because they’re so bitchin’*) unless you enjoy driving your SUV around the block for six hours looking for a place to park because Sony forgot to put in a parking lot, or if you like giving money to people who already have too much. If you really had your heart set on playing video games all day, what the hell, just come over to my house and we can play Space Invaders on my Atari, and I can give you my educational and interactive lecture on why Pac-Man rules and how the pink bow on Ms. Pac-Man was a cheap ploy to get girls to buy the same game twice.

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