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Mission Bar Crawl
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Though a complete bar crawl through the Mission would be impossible for even the most seasoned drinker, I provide for your approval this jaunt through seven of my favorite places. I live in the Inner Mission and do this route more frequently than is healthy, as my apartment seems to have become the unofficial halfway house for visiting east coast retired club trash. They are all now alcoholics which means this tour is doable without too much falling down or puking. I wish the same for you. This guide will be far better than having me in person cause I tend to get belligerent after the sixth drink. Our tour takes place on a weeknight, as all the bars listed are unbearably crowded on weekends, and Camper does not wait in line for drinks. The
Albion On my tour, we must begin at the Albion. I do not know why. I think the place has magical powers. The Albion is a grungy bar catering to tattooed drunks and loud rock and rollers: not the prettyboy types who play in bands on the weekend, but the type that work at Kinkos so that they can rock you like a hurricane every night of the week. Sure, the point of a bar tour is to have one drink in each place, but we had two at the Albion, didn't we? We needed to take that edge off. Don't worry, our next stop is only a few doors away. We'll get you another one soon.
Dalva
Dalva is my favorite bar within one block of my house. (I have about seven to choose from.) It's trendy yet friendly. The atmosphere is always comfortable even when it becomes too crowded and you're spilling your cosmopolitan on people as you try to push into the back. The bar is especially packed before and after movies at the Roxie theater next door. Dalva is basically one medium-sized room with a long bar and tall tables with stools. The tables don't make for the most comfortable seating, but they work well for a group of four or more people who want to converse over the music. The jukebox has a good mix of trendy bands mostly in the indie and trip hop categories. Occasionally they have a DJ spinning different themed music. The drink specialties here are varied from several types of cosmopolitans and martinis to the house sangria, which isn't fantastic like across the street at Pecarro, but it's nice to have it. There is something about the lighting in here that makes me want to have red drinks. Mmmm, fruity. Now that we've covered some ground let's ease off on the pressure. We'll skip around the corner and chill for a minute. Casanova
The Casanova is one of a few bars on this tour in which I'd never be caught dead on a weekend. It attracts the North Beach frat boy contingent and is beyond unbearable. On the weekdays however it is a very calm place where you can sit at the bar and talk to strangers without having worrying about some schmoe trying to pick you up. The Casanova features one bar and many surrounding tables. In the back, there is a pool table and a great couch for chilling with your homies or mackin' on your honeys. There aren't many places where I enjoy sitting at the bar and chatting with strangers and the bartender, but this place seems like just the right vibe for it. They have lots of scotch here. We won't be hanging out long, as we've got much ground to cover. This isn't the quiet weeknight with your friends - I just wanted to give you a taste and a minute to cool down before we get to the real drinking across the street. Blondies
Blondies "Bar and No Grill" is the alcoholic's dream. Their specialties are martinis, served to you along with the tumbler in which it was mixed. This makes for about two and a half drinks for the price of one. As it is a martini bar, the too-hip-for-you factor from the neighborhood hates it and stays away. During the week the place is nice and empty. It's great to hang out with some close friends there and get blind on two drinks on a Tuesday night. My record is only three martinis before complete messiness ensued and I found myself at Sparkey's at 3AM trying to eat massive amounts of grease to thwart alcohol poising. Blondies has a small patio onto Valencia Street. This would be a great place to hang out and smoke cigarettes if it weren't for the fact that every drunk, junkie, and crackhead in the neighborhood comes by and tries to bum money or cigarettes. The inside has three large booths and row of stools at the bar. There is a pool table and more seats in the room, and a separate tiny room in the back. I find the jukebox selection of oldies and jazz tunes to be a bit annoying but I guess they are going for a theme. Given the time it takes to drink one (two and a half) drinks at the bar, we have been here for a while and absorbed the ambiance. We are now officially drunk, and we still have three more bars to go! I think it's time we walk it off for a couple of blocks. Elbo
Room I don't love the Elbo Room, but it's a good pit stop on the way to greener pastures. I think that is why I am here so often. They have frequent live music and dancing nights upstairs on the weekends. There's nothing happening tonight so we'll just stay down here. The room has a whole bunch of little tables and a back room with a pool table. The place has tons of nooks and crannies and it seems like there are things going on all over the place here. I like the intrigue. Are you feeling slightly blurry? I know I am. From now on in we'll go to only bright loud places with lots of action. Slower response time begs for increased stimuli. Beauty
Bar Up one block and over to 19th and Mission we go to the glitziest bar in the neighborhood. The Beauty Bar is styled after a 50's beauty parlor with swiveling chairs and hairdryers, and on some nights a manicure special. It was put together by the same people who created the Beauty Bar in New York, which was actually built in an old salon. The space is small and it's very cluttered, which makes maneuvering through people kinda fun. There are several theme nights that happen with different DJ's playing. I've been to a few of them but the crowd seems pretty much the same - trendy Mission hipsters. Most of the bars on our journey this evening have been filled with locals whom know that a shower is an unnecessary accessory to a big night out in our neighborhood. Here at the Beauty Bar people actually think about what they're wearing. It throws me off but I don't mind them- they tend towards glam rather than yuppie. All that glitters is good, especially after the amount of alcohol we've consumed at this point. I don't even mind that the bartenders are the worst in the city. They're all so pretty to look at. Liquid
A walk down Mission Street at this time of night is sketchy, but when you're drunk you are impervious to mugging and the pain that comes with the beatdown. We'll hop on the 14 Mission if it comes, but otherwise be on the lookout for gang activity. If you lived here, you'd be home by now. Taking a right onto lovely 16th Street, we soon come to Liquid. We are so ready to get down and boogie. This is another bar that is not filled with locals, even during the week. It is also the only real DJ dance bar in the Inner Mission. Liquid is usually crowded and the music is usually good, even during the week. The vodka tonics here are big and strong, just like me. I have always found the people to be exceptionally friendly even when you're stepping on their feet. The layout of this bar is the worst ever for traffic flow. People must enter at the narrow portion of the room and walk alongside the bar. There are bus seats lining the opposite wall, which leave about two feet of room to walk through to the back section. Beyond the bar the space opens up to a dance floor with the DJs raised on a small platform in the back. The worst part about the setup is that you have to walk through the dancefloor to get to the bathroom. On Monday nights this is especially difficult because people wait in line outside the bathroom and are backed up all the way onto the dancefloor. This line is caused by other lines being had inside the bathroom. I hate paying a cover and liquid is always charging one now. It makes me feel like I have to get my three bucks worth so I stay for a couple of drinks and some serious rump-shaking. Never mind the fact that I can barely stand up. Look at me! I'm super! You are my new friends! Sorry that I fell down. Did I hurt you? We stay here and dance and drink until we can take no more. We are blind with liquor and sweaty from groove. Though we are hardcore we still must get up in the morning and go to work like normal people. It was great but I can't seem to remember your name and where I left my jacket. I think I had better go home. Which way is that?
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The
front room is narrow with a long bar and seats against the facing wall.
There is one excellent table with a view of 16th Street at eye level,
perfect for people watching. In the back room there are two pool tables
and a few pinball games. The place is usually nice and lively because
everyone in it has been there since happy hour. The Albion stays busy
with locals from the neighborhood and most people seem to know each
other. It's just so downright homey that it makes it seem okay to share
needles.
