87 reasons why i sleep alone

 

"How is 85 out of 87?"

 

"My major point of contention with this list is the #1 criteria: (he needs to be) "smarter than me." Did I read this right: Smarter than me?? Well, you probably won't have to look to hard for that, sister."

"I found myself pleased when I met many of the listings, then realized: hey, I'm not even looking for a date, why am I measuring myself"

"why i sleep alone has listed 87 reasons why that will remain the case."

"Great list...I thought I was picky!"

"What does one do if one lives up to the list?"

"It is really gross, I'd elaborate, but I'm running to the bathroom. I'm about to be sick!"

 

The Lists

Things I Love

Annoyances

What They Forgot to Tell Me Growing Up

I'm turning into a Marina-chick and I'm scared; Men and baggage; The nightmare dancing partner; Traumas leading up to the wedding day; Ten discerning rules to weed out the psychos

 

I have a friend who told me I should make THE LIST. This list is supposed to filter out the majority of guys. Actually, it filters out everyone. Practically. But perhaps that's the point? Some might say I'm picky, but, hell, I wish I'd been picky earlier. It would have saved a lot of time, and money.

Without further ado, Mr. Right-For-Me should meet the following demands:

  1. smarter than i am
  2. know that I'm uncompromising with what I want: it's a hazard, it's an attribute
  3. hilarious
  4. makes me feel special
  5. does not do drugs (we're in CA, pot is OK)
  6. never addicted to anything
  7. laughs at me
  8. laughs at himself
  9. pays for dinner
  10. takes charge -- doesn't think that I like to be the leader in the relationship. I hate it.
  11. supports me in my career
  12. buys me surprise nighties
  13. likes trails with trees
  14. washes the dishes automatically, sometimes, occasionally
  15. treats me like a princess
  16. realizes I'm fragile but doesn't tell anyone
  17. kisses the end of my nose
  18. has shoes with thick soles
  19. has floppy hair
  20. likes outdoor stuff but not obsessively fit
  21. unshockable
  22. counts my freckles
  23. loves scarves
  24. laughs about my shoes, the sheer number
  25. makes me feel safe
  26. can handle my family
  27. isn't weird around my family
  28. sends thank you letters after seeing my family
  29. realizes my family is old-fashioned and old school
  30. and doesn't bother trying to fight that
  31. doesn't have a pet bird
  32. loves his mother but not too much
  33. doesn't watch football--too much
  34. isn't pretentious
  35. quick wit
  36. doesn't take crap from me
  37. or anyone
  38. likes to wear black tie
  39. has black tie
  40. knows what black tie is
  41. has car that runs
  42. has car insurance
  43. doesn't go to the gym more than 4x a week (more than that and I worry you're looking in the mirror at yourself too much rather than at me)
  44. as comfortable in New Canaan as SOMA as Knightsbridge
  45. can add two and two
  46. thinks I'm arm candy and tells me so
  47. respects my opinion
  48. and my brain
  49. buys me flowers
  50. doesn't mind me buying him flowers
  51. reads
  52. likes my friends
  53. financially responsible
  54. hard working
  55. likes to be close physically
  56. tidier than me
  57. likes to take baths with me
  58. likes to travel
  59. not wimpy
  60. understands that jewelry comes from either 1). a blue box 2). another century
  61. likes sex in the sun on Sunday afternoons
  62. doesn't pick fights
  63. calm
  64. not uptight
  65. likes sushi
  66. loves the presidio
  67. supportive about my bunion problems
  68. not intimidated by my grown up friends and extended family
  69. uses a fountain pen
  70. smiles often
  71. remembers that I love A&W root beer, but diet only
  72. worldy. not Americany.
  73. likes to dance
  74. has a been-there, done-that sort of attitude
  75. went to college
  76. went to grad school. or too smart for grad school.
  77. has lots of his own friends
  78. and doesn't mind me being friends with them too
  79. knows that chivalry isn't dead
  80. makes my stomach hurt in a good way
  81. is stronger than me in the head
  82. likes quiet
  83. is faithful to me and demands the same from me
  84. likes kids
  85. likes to be loved-- by me
  86. doesn't accept my bitchiness
  87. reads the New Yorker, but not cover to cover

Hey! What do you think of this? Got anything to say to this chick? Let us know. We'll post the comments anonymously. Send in what you have to say to editor@posthoc.com

 

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