Ah. So, my poor, love-lorn Posthoc readers, it seems that some of you have relationship problems. Having trouble finding a suitable match to mate with? Facing yet another Valentines Day of having to buy chocolates for yourself? Feeling like a great big loser?

Relax. You're not a great big loser, you've just never been given the list. Don't know what the list is? Well that's why you're eating chocolate covered cherries and surfing the internet. Listen. Haven't you ever wondered why some women date one really great guy after another, while you consistently go out with future lobotomy candidates, and the guy at work that no one likes? What do these women have that you don't? Better first date stories? Cuter hair? More cleavage? Maybe. But more importantly, they have the list.

Of course right now you're thinking, "I want this magical list, but what do I have to do to get it?" Poor, pathetic, Prozac-popping readers. I will pass this glorious list on to you, and all you have to do is heed closely its wisdom, and let it guide you to that ever elusive normal boyfriend. Now you're thinking, "Ha! shows what you and your stupid list know...there's no such thing as a normal boyfriend. There's just psychos, closet cases, and mama's boys." Trust me. Once you have the list, you'll never have to date a freak again.

First, before I give you the list, I will give you rules that you must follow closely. Rule number one: always ask every question on the list. All that could stand between Mr. Right and Mr. Restraining Order is one question. Rule number two: ask every man that you see the questions on the list, not just the ones that you think are cute. You are only attracted to psychos, closet cases, and mama's boys and can't be trusted. The only exception to rule number two rule is men with ugly ties. Skip over them. (I'll explain later.)

Okay, here it is:

1. Are you gay?

2. Would you rather have sex with men than with women?

3. If I asked your friends if you were gay, what would they say?

4. Do you live with your mother?

5. Do you want to marry a gal just like dear old mom...no matter what?

6. When you go to visit your mother, do you sleep in her bed?

7. Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

8. Have you ever refused to take medication ordered by a medical professional?

9. If the cops came to your house, would you refuse to let them look in the basement? Or the refrigerator?

10. When you walk down the hall, do your co-workers say "Look out, here comes that asshole!"?

If you are lucky enough to find someone--anyone--who answers no to all the questions on the list. Grab him, throw him on the ground, and force an ugly tie around his neck, so all the other chicks with lists know to keep their hands off. If a guy answers yes to any one of the questions, throw him back. I know what you're thinking, and the answer is: yes, even if he's really cute.

Good Luck.

ANON

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