why i hate COSTCO

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I hate Costco. Absolutely. I try to avoid it all costs, but occasionally I’ll get suckered in, duped into strolling the broad isles, fighting large shoppers for jumbo-sized everything. A few weeks ago, I found myself in the cavernous halls of conspicuous consumption, grumbling and arguing the whole way. The worst possible way to spend a Sunday afternoon must be shopping at a Costco in Daly City. I hate Costco. Absolutely.

If you like hotdogs, soydogs, corndogs, vienna sausages cut up into eighths, pierced with toothpicks and presented for your enjoyment at every corner (free samples!) you may not hate Costco as much as I do. It could be your kind of place. But for me, I like to pretend certain ugly human behavior doesn’t exist. That’s why I don’t watch Jerry Springer. That’s why I don’t attend society parties. Costco displays greed and avarice, over-consumption and overindulgence with its giant sized shopping carts designed to hold everything ever produced by mankind filled to the brim with huge bags of potato chips, cases of Cola, salami bricks.

Something happens to people when they enter Costco. Suddenly, the world is one good buy regardless of price or need. If it’s big and it’s sold at Costco it has to be a good deal. I can get all 8,000 cotton balls for only $20? Sold! Wow, that huge bag of florescent yellow popcorn is only $5? We’ll be enjoying that for years! Costco is the kind of place that sells video tape rewinders, and people are stupid enough to buy them. I must admit that my heart beat increases when I enter those electronics isles. Yes, I need a stereo! Yes, I want a new TV! A new computer! That silver thing over there I don’t even know what it’s good for! I don’t care, I want it! Need is not an issue.

Costco outrages me. I like to think it’s because the store has duped America. There are precious few good buys at Costco. All their products are name brands, and the quantities are so huge it’s hard for people to do the math and determine how much for the same, normally sized amount they would pay at Safeway. It violates my sense of practicality when I see single people buying large quantities they’ll never use or will just have to load into that U Haul since everyone I know moves every two years. But really, when I think about it, Costco probably angers me so much because it scares me. It presents a vision of the future that I don’t want to see: myself strolling the isles, overweight and wearing a pastel sweat suit (purchased at Costco!) arguing with my stooped husband over diaper brands or motor oil weights. Portrait of myself as a consumer as a middle-aged woman. Depressing.

The only people who should shop at Costco are owners of care homes for the mentally ill. They really do have a need for those gallons of vegetable oil, honey jars that could house a family of four, 84 packs of bagel dogs. Until I own a care home or until I live in one and the owner takes me on promise of more florescent popcorn, I hereby refuse to shop at Costco. You should, too.

Amanda McPherson
 

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