Wow! I've been busy lately! Comedy Central has a new schedule, and I've started a new bamboozling business. Bamboozling is kind of slow these days, though. Yesterday I was only able to scam ten bucks from the tourists who flock to the corner of Mission and Sixteenth. Still, ten bucks is pretty good for easy money, but what can you do for ten bucks in this city?

I decided to go to Ocean Beach, so I could fold my ten dollar bill into a little boat, and watch it float away.

However, when I got there I realized the surf was a little too rough for money sailing. I was disappointed, but then I remembered the abandoned swimming pools of the Sutro ruins. Ah, perfect.

I've always liked the Sutro ruins. What's not to love? A little piece of San Francisco history, crumbling in front of an outrageously dramatic ocean view. It's like a little transported piece of Europe. This time, though, the remains of the bath house really made me think.

I mean here was a real bamboozle, charging people money to swim in water and look at a free beach. I was humbled. I mean yeah, this was back in the fifties, when people were easier to bamboozle, but still. I was so impressed, I forgot about my ten bucks, and wandered around the ruins for a while.

Eventually all that wandering made me hungry, so I went up to the Cliff House to see if I could get an olive for ten bucks. The Cliff House, though, is not just an over priced restaurant with a view. It's also the Phineas T. Barnacle Bar, where I could get a plate of french fries, a Sam Adams, and a little table in front of an outrageously dramatic view for eight bucks--and that's including a generous tip for my lovely and talented server.

It was strangely relaxing. I say strangely because I expected the place to be over-filled with tourists, but the T. Barnacle is a big enough room to be under-filled with tourists. And I was there for the sun set. Sure, the jukebox played "I Left My Heart in San Francisco" a few more times than I'm comfortable with, but the beer and the view helped take the edge off the Bennett.

Besides, what did I expect, I had been in the place for nearly a hour. They have a pay as you go system at T. Barnacles, so you never get a that get-out-now bill slapped on your table. By the time I finally left, I had two bucks in my pocket, so I went into the Musee Mecanique next door.

Don't let the French name, and the word musee fool you. It's fun. I got a dollar in quarters, and I spent fifty cents to see some red-neck puppets perform a square dance just for me--and the people looking over my shoulder. For a quarter I got to see a re-enactment of a turn-of-the-century electrocution in an English prison performed by little wooden dollies. What a bargain! A puppet read my fortune for a quarter: "Someone will make you happy."

Hey, I was already pretty damned happy, but then I went outside and someone was charging people to use a camera obscura. And I thought, "Hey isn't a camera obscura just a black box with a hole in it? Couldn't someone just make their own and bring it to Ocean Beach?" What a bamboozle!

So, if you have ten bucks to throw around, go to Ocean Beach, see the Sutro ruins, have an appetizer and a cocktail at the bar, and play in the Musee Mechanique. Or you could go to the corner of Mission and Sixteenth and see the new camera obscura for just ten little dollars. What a bargain.

Cliff House 1090 Point Lobos Ave. 386-3330

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