Recently, in celebration of annual Be Good to Your Liver day, I stayed sober for about two hours. The first hour wasn't hard at all. But then I needed something to do, so I took a walk around my neighborhood. I'm sure I don't need to say it, but walking sober is boring. I would have died of boredom if it weren't for the billboards. I think that's why all those big corporations put them up. Awfully nice of them, and in their honor, I compiled my own list of my five favorite billboards.

Starting at the bottom with number five is any billboard with a Spanish headline. My favorite is the one with the flan that says Hecho Con Leche y Amor. I sometimes say it at parties to people who read Tolstoy and like to quote Proust. It will either confuse them or piss them off. But I just look at them and say, "Hey, go eat some flan and maybe, just maybe, you will understand." Obviously, I don't get invited to a lot of parties.

At number four are those trippy Camel ads. They're pure genius. They have a camel silhouetted against a hypnotist's wheel. I know, I know. Big business is one thing, but big tobacco business? Hell, they must be doing something right. I don't smoke, but for some reason, I see those ads, and I get a craving for a lung full of tobacco goodness. I don't look at them any more. Yeah, they're pretty, but I need my lungs. I'm hoping to sell my body to science, and I'm already going to have to discount for the liver.

The Levi's Jeans' Our Models Can Beat Up Their Models campaign is number three because I'm all for beating up models, and I feel I need to reward anyone who suggests it, even Levis. I hate those other ads they have. Bob wore them. Who the hell is Bob? And why doesn't he wear them now? Is he dead? Or just wearing better jeans? Who knows? They really should've thought about that one before they scrawled it across every bus in town. But what do I know? Nothing.

I know what you're thinking. What about those Guardian ads with those grizzled, cranky heads? I don't know who thought them up, but they deserve some kind of prize, like a golden billboard trophy or something. The best I can do is number two. Now I'm no psychic, but I'm going to make a prediction. I predict that soon we will see copy-cat billboards with Ronald McDonald's head saying, "Eat my burgers, for God's sake!" Or Bruce Willis' grizzled head saying, "See my movie, you bastard!" Or Ghandi's severed head saying, "Think different, you complete idiot!" Watch for them. You heard it here first.

Unless you've been living under a rock, you know what number one is. It's the Cheese! My favorites are the traffic affirmation ones. Those are the ones that tell drivers to think about cheese instead of getting angry at the other cars. So they're kind of like public service announcements. I don't know any statistics, but I'm sure they've done a lot to reduce road rage. I don't drive, but sometimes when I'm on the bus I repeat, "I am not here, I am at a Renaissance fair" over and over again. Or sometimes, "I am not on this bus, I am at Ripley's Believe it or Not...I am watching a Die Hard movie...I am doing the Macarena." I find it really helps to soften the edges of the MUNI experience. Try it.

Melinda Whitehouse

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