711 Club
711 Market Street, between Third and Fourth
You know this happens to you: You're downtown, ready to have some fun and decide to go for a drink. Then you remember that you're at 3rd and Market and you say to yourself "I wish there was a bar around here that didn't suck."
| The solution to this problem, and so many more can be found by studying ancient Buddhist literature. In the rare manuscript "The Path of the Drunken Cricket," one finds the following sentence: "To find the bar that sucks the least, the cricket must seek the bar that sucks the most." |
The decor is utterly horrible in the most fantastic way. |
Indeed, Indeed.
If one follows this philosophy one will eventually wander into the 711 Club on Market Street, between Third and Fourth. You can tell that it's a dive bar because the decor is utterly horrible in the most fantastic way. I suppose it's what other people would call "tacky," but if you've read any of my reviews before you know that to me tacky equals just plain super.
The place is just one long rectangular room with the bar, a jukebox, an a few tables, some of them old horizontal video games. This is one of those places where nobody sits at them because you'd have to get up and walk all the way over to the bar to get a refill. Extending your arm from your slumped barstool position is far easier.
Behind the bar hang a bunch of crests and shields below the television playing the sports channel at a good volume. Macho, right? Sure, until you fall over at your first attempt at standing after being there for the third hour and you find that the ceiling is covered in glitter! (I am a bit obsessed with glitter ceilings and one day will have one in the bedroom of my Barbie Dream Mansion.) The walls in the back area of the bar have a 3-D grooved pattern on them to make an attractive vine-like design. It looks like something I'd expect to see in a Greek restaurant.
The hallway to the bathroom is long and painted stark white with lots of sturdy walls with which to support oneself in an attempt to empty your bladder before another few rounds. I think that they should just go ahead and install handrails for maximum safety.
I think the best word to describe the overall look of the place is "tragic." The 711 Club is a refreshing change from the dress-code-enforced hotel bars in the same area. It's also empty most of the time. Follow the path of the drunken cricket to this slum oasis. Oh yeah, the drinks are wicked cheap too.
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